Embracing ‘amor prohibido’ with singer David Archuleta

David Archuleta [00:00:01] I just got to the point where I was like, if I'm going to give myself a chance at life, I have to be okay with not being good, according to Mormon standards. 

Sophie Bearman [00:00:23] This is Life in Seven Songs from The San Francisco Standard. I'm Sophie Bearman. This week, we welcome singer-songwriter David Archuleta to the show. Millions of TV viewers fell in love with him in 2008 when he came in second place on American Idol. He was just 16 at the time. Now 34, David has eight albums under his belt and has experienced enough of life's ups and downs to fill a memoir. In fact, he's working on one now. But David's journey hasn't just been about music. Raised in the Mormon church, he spent years struggling to reconcile his faith with his identity. It wasn't until recently that David came out as queer, stepped away from the church, and fully embraced himself. His newest music reflects that evolution, allowing him, in his own words, to "have fun, be flirty, and explore the sensual side of David." And as a heads-up, this episode contains sensitive language and references to suicide, so please take care when listening. David Archuleta, welcome to the show. 

David Archuleta [00:01:24] Thank you, Sophie. So nice to be here with you. 

Sophie Bearman [00:01:27] So these words, flirty, sensual, they might not seem like a big deal for a lot of artists with music coming out today, but I imagine for you growing up Mormon, openly flirting and embracing your sexuality, that's big, right? And I'm curious what that shift has felt like. 

David Archuleta [00:01:45] Uh, yeah. Gosh. I know it's not that rebellious for most people, but for me, it's such a rebellious thing. I feel like I'm like robbing a bank or something. You know, it's that kind of conflict where it's like, you were told all your life that this is so wrong. I feel like Mormons are going to be pretty shocked with my next song and era, but I'm excited for it. 

Sophie Bearman [00:02:07] Let's go back, take me on a journey and tell me about growing up Mormon, your childhood. 

David Archuleta [00:02:13] I was born in Miami and lived there 'til kindergarten. We moved to Utah because that's where my dad grew up and that's were he was used to having his Mormon environment, his family. And it was very just conservative, very modest, reserved culture and very wholesome. Probably more than half the population doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't even drink coffee, doesn't drink tea. Most of that Mormon population doesn't even swear, doesn't go out to clubs. 

Sophie Bearman [00:02:47] And was that the case for your family? 

David Archuleta [00:02:50] I didn't think I was hardcore, but I realized I was just around a lot of other hardcore people. So for me, I'm like, this is normal. So then I come into LA, like into the pop world. And people my age would be like, you're so innocent and so young. I'm like, for me, what are you talking about? Like my example of adults, like grown ass adults were more wholesome than I was. And I'm like, well, I felt like I was a little edgy compared to other Utahans, because it's like, well, I'd seen a rated R movie before. 

Sophie Bearman [00:03:19] So what were you like as a kid? Like how would you describe yourself? 

David Archuleta [00:03:23] I would say I was very shy. I had a hard time getting along with kids my own age. I was homeschooled on and off. So it wasn't until ninth grade that I had my first full year at public school. It made me not really know how to connect with kids my own age. And I feel like I was awkward anyway. I was a singer. I sang at my fourth grade or fifth grade school talent show. And when people knew I sang, then people would call me a girl because I had a very high, I had a high voice and I was like, why does that make me a girls? Like, I didn't understand why singing was then considered a girl thing. And I didn't play sports very well, when I did PE so I felt uncomfortable. Like, I felt an outcast and so that's when I got introduced to being called gay, being called a fag. I didn't know being called the fag was bad. But gay, like I had heard about that from like my parents and in church. And so I took that like seriously, like I'm not supposed to be that though. You know, whatever that is, like I am not supposed to, and why are they calling me that? And I think I was starting to get really insecure because I realized I wasn't like everyone else. 

Speaker 3 [00:04:42] David, your first song, it's Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. What does this one stir up for you? 

David Archuleta [00:04:48] I wanna say I was 14 years old when I first heard it, 14 or 15, and I felt her just meekness, but she had an important message that she wanted to say. And it felt so real, like a hope for something better, but not knowing where you're going or how you're gonna get there. And you wanna escape your life, but you don't know if you ever will be able to. And I think it made me just wish that I wanted to get away from whatever I was in. And I don't know what I was in, but I just, I wanted to get away from it and get lost in the song and imagine myself driving to the next place, the next spot, the next town over, wondering what else life has to offer than what I have right now. And when I first heard it, and the second that the drum, the little synth, like tss, tss. And the guitar started, da, da, dah, dah. Da, da. I was so moved. I had goosebumps the whole time I was listening to it. 

Music [00:05:49] [Fast Car by Tracy Chapman plays]

David Archuleta [00:06:08] By the end of the song, it's like, we made progress, but we didn't get where we expected to and now we see that this is going to end. I think it makes me feel like I'm scared that the future, what's next, is not going to go how I hoped it would. But I can't help but also wonder but what if it does? I have no idea, we'll see. 

Sophie Bearman [00:06:29] When did you realize within yourself that you were attracted to boys or, you know, were queer? You probably didn't even have that word for it, but when did you start to think, like, I'm feeling things that are not what I'm told I should be feeling? 

David Archuleta [00:06:44] Elementary school, you know, I wasn't even 10 yet and I didn't have any words to describe what it was. Because, you know, I was always told boys like girls, girls like boys, and I had crushes on girls too but then I also had a crush on a boy, and I didn't know that was a thing so I was really confused. The only thing I heard about gay people was they're bad which means there's probably something bad about me. So I was just like I have to make sure that I don't give into this, whatever it is. Because clearly, in my head, I was like, clearly Satan is trying to win my soul, and I was really scared. So that's why starting at age 11, 12, I started praying for God to help change me. 

Sophie Bearman [00:07:34] David, tell me about your next song. It comes from the iconic Selena. 

David Archuleta [00:07:39] Oh my God, okay, my mom, she sings as well. And when she sang, it was with such passion and with all of her heart. I was always so impressed by that. And my mom played me Selena and my favorite song was Amor Prohibido. Something about it, when it starts it goes, dun dun dun dun, dun dun. Dun dun, dun, dun, dun. And then the Cumbia beat starts. Dun dun dun. Dun dun. I just love the melody. 

Music [00:08:14] [Amor Prohibido by Selena plays]

David Archuleta [00:08:23] That synth beginning always did something to me, but as I got older, it became like an anthem to me in my 30s. I don't think I realized, I think I did realize, but wasn't like fully conscious of it that I was singing a message that, like, I was frustrated with. 

Sophie Bearman [00:08:40] What are a few of the lyrics that like now, knowing what we know sort of, it's like... 

David Archuleta [00:08:47] The chorus, amor prohibido, amor prohibido murmuran por las calles, is like forbidden love is what they say, porque somos de distintas sociedades, because we're from different societies. I think it's talking about like maybe they come from like different cultures or different economic classes. But then she says, amor prohibido nos dice todo el mundo, and she says forbidden love is what like they all say, like the whole world says. And she said, El dinero no importa en ti ni en mi, ni en el corazón. So money doesn't matter with you, with me or in the heart. But for me, I think forbidden love, as you probably catch on, like, to be in love with someone who is the same sex. But she says like, basically is saying, even though this is my background, it doesn't matter because what we have is love. And we have, we know we have a connection here. And even if the rest of the world says it is forbidden, our love, who cares? 

Sophie Bearman [00:10:01] You touched on this just a little bit, but I'm curious if you can tell me a little bit about your mom growing up. What was your relationship like? 

David Archuleta [00:10:10] My mom used to call me her angel when I was little. I was considered the sweet son, the obedient one. If I ever did something that I wasn't supposed to, it was met with greater disappointment because it's like, David, you should have known. So there is that, a little bit of that conflict that I had because it was like, I loved my mom, I wanted to obey her and be like a good son, but I wasn't really given flexibility to make mistakes compared to my other siblings. And so I think that put more pressure on me as well and that's why she would be so upset when I did something wrong. And she—and she'd guilt me like that. She'd be like 'and you were my angel' and 'I thought you were in my angel, I guess I was wrong,' so that like that always stayed with me and I like felt a lot of confusing, resentful feelings because of that. 

Sophie Bearman [00:11:07] Tell me more about that confusion that you mentioned feeling. 

David Archuleta [00:11:11] I almost got married several times and realized that I still liked guys. And for me, that was evidence that I was not worthy to get married. I hated myself for that. You try so hard to not be what you are and you're villainized for just existing. Cause it's like, I'm not making a choice. I'm trying to choose everything to not be this way and I can't fix it. I've been trying to fix it for years in the Mormon community, especially. It's like I've tried so hard to be good, which in my head, good was straight. As I tried that, I was starting to get suicidal. You start thinking it's a good idea to cut your life short in order for a chance at eternal life because you were taught in religion that this life is only but a moment and it's temporary and the life after is forever. And there are choices you can make now that could damn you, your life, for eternity, like being gay. So then you think, well, then I might as well just end my life because nothing I'm doing is helping me overcome being gay and even though suicide is considered as bad, what is the greater evil here? Cutting my life short and taking my own life or falling in love with another man and damning my soul and basically like going to hell. 

Sophie Bearman [00:12:48] Were you feeling suicidal on and off all your life? 

David Archuleta [00:12:54] Yeah. I was, but it didn't get as intense as it did right before I came out. Because for me, I was like, the worst thing I could do is come out and accept being gay. That's when I was like suicide is the better option. It was when I most numb. I didn't feel anything for a long time. I didn't feel happy anymore. I didn't feel sad. And you isolate yourself from everything. 

Sophie Bearman [00:13:24] Did anything help you during this particularly difficult time? I seem to remember reading about a snake, like a literal snake. 

David Archuleta [00:13:32] Yeah. This was a time when I wasn't really talking to anybody. And I was just isolating at home. My friend Yoselin, she invited me like maybe like a month or so before to get a snake. She's like, 'Hey, I'm gonna go get a sneak. Do you want to come with me?' And I was kind of annoyed because I was annoyed with being around people. But I still went with her because I was like, I might as well just get out and do something so I just stop spiraling. She didn't say what she was doing, but I think she knew. And I think it was also kind of obvious that I was not in my normal mindset. And when she bought the snake, she tells me like last minute, like, my mom won't let me keep the snake at my house. She said, 'Would you mind if I kept it at your house?' So she would just drop by and come check in on the snake. And then she would just come and sit on the couch with me and just sit there with me. And I think she was checking on the—. 

Sophie Bearman [00:14:39] She knew, she was checking on you. 

David Archuleta [00:14:41] Yeah, she was. And I'm grateful that she did that. It was nice to feel like someone didn't reject me because I was rejecting myself. Well, it just got to a point where I was like, if I'm gonna give myself a chance at life, I have to be okay with not being good, according to Mormon standards. 

Sophie Bearman [00:15:04] It's time for a quick break. When we come back, David comes out. Stay with us. 

Sophie Bearman [00:15:09] When did you come out to your family and how did they respond? 

David Archuleta [00:15:32] So when I told my mom, before I came out, I told my mom and I said, 'Mom, just so you know, I'm gonna start dating guys. I broke off my engagement and I'm going to start dating men.' And she said, 'honey, I love you, but I love God more. And I can't accept this about you. I testify to you that God's plan is for you to marry a woman and that his plan for happiness is that a man and a woman enter in marriage and have children and for eternal life.' Mormons are very—much more specific. It's a lot deeper with marriage because marriage is like one of the steps to becoming like God, to become a creator, to create life. And you must have a man and a woman. And so she was saying, 'I testify to you, this is what you must do for God.' And I said, 'mom, I get it. Because up until a week ago, I believed this same thing. I don't need you to accept what I'm doing. I just need you to respect that I'm making the best decision for me right now.' I said, 'and it's gonna be new for me. Like, this is a new world for me, I don't know what I'm getting myself into. So I just want you to learn alongside me.' And I had to have like that hard conversation with her. I felt like I just needed to be bold with my mom. She was being bold about her beliefs. So I needed to just be bold with mine. And I told her, I'd opened up to her about being suicidal. I said mom, 'I almost, I thought it was going to be better to take my life then to do this.' And I think that helped her understand, but she still thought I was going to get over it. She's like, 'he just needs to get out of his system and then he'll come back to marrying a woman.' 

Sophie Bearman [00:17:12] Where does your third song, It's Okay To Cry by SOPHIE, fit into coming to terms with your identity and sharing it? 

David Archuleta [00:17:19] I can't even remember how I came across her music, but I wasn't out yet. But all of a sudden, she had a song called It's Okay To Cry, and it was not like wild and crazy like the rest of her stuff. And like, she showed herself in a video, and I was like, 'oh, that's what she looks like.' I didn't know she was trans. Like, I didn't know. And she had a deeper voice in real life, cause she usually like pitched it up. So, and she always, she just never showed herself. And here she was showing all of her. I'm like, that must have been really awkward for her. I'm sure she always tried to hide behind pitching up her voices, but here she was, and I was like, she's owning it. And she was just there confidently in front of the camera and saying, 'it's okay to cry.' So I was just like, wow. People who don't fit what you're supposed to be, it's okay to be confused and feel lost and not know who the hell you are, and if who you even are is okay and if you even should be. So when I came out, that song came into my head as I was trying to come to terms with myself. That song was my grieving of my old self. I thought I was supposed to feel hatred towards what I was. And so I didn't know how to cope with it. So SOPHIE's song was, my grieving song. 

Music [00:18:43] [It's Okay To Cry by SOPHIE plays]

Sophie Bearman [00:19:10] I love the line, "I think your inside is your best side." 

David Archuleta [00:19:13] Yeah. Especially when you're hiding too. Before you come out, especially when you come from a strict religion, you think your inside is horrible. You think it's a monster inside of you. So to have someone feel like they're whispering it and who's as outrageous as SOPHIE was, she knows what it's like to be judged, to probably have that inner conflict about herself. And I think it is so sad because she also passed away just a few years ago, unexpectedly. I'm just so grateful for that song. It would make me cry before I came out and made me cry after I came out. It still makes me cry because to have somebody, even if it's indirectly, tell you you're okay, even if you don't like what's inside of you and you're confused about yourself and just have someone say it's okay to cry was exactly what I needed. 

Sophie Bearman [00:20:11] So David, you came out publicly in 2021. How did this affect your relationship with God? 

David Archuleta [00:20:18] When I came out, I still was Mormon. I decided to stay in my religion and see how I could navigate dating guys, being queer while still following God because a big part of my accepting myself, I felt, was God guiding me. Like it was through prayer that I wrote. And just like one more try, I was like, God, if you're there, please change me and help me to be what you want me to. And he basically... God basically was like, you need to stop asking me this because you are how I want you to be. And I need you to understand that and realize that now. And I needed you to see you with my eyes. 

Sophie Bearman [00:21:01] You chose a song for this time. It's Jireh by Maverick City Music. Take me back to a specific moment you link to this song. 

David Archuleta [00:21:09] I was with a stylist, Michaela. She was helping me get ready for some events or like a video shoot. And I was so confused, cause like I'd just come out, like just weeks before. I was like, I'm so confused by everybody who's giving me such a hard time. I'm still a Christian. I still believe in God. I didn't realize I was singing this while I was getting ready in my house stuff. I was saying, 'I'm already loved, I'm already chosen. I know who I am, I know what you've spoken." 

Music [00:21:45] [Jireh by Maverick City Music plays]

David Archuleta [00:21:57] She was like, listen to yourself. You know who you are and you know what God's spoken and that's all you need. Who gives a fuck what anyone else says? I was like, oh my God, like I didn't know there was such this space. Like everyone I was around was very, very extremely conservative. And my friends had been reprimanding me. I was being told to be called to repentance by some of my friends and, or like friends just didn't know how to navigate it. And for her to be like, God loves you as you are, and you, who, like, and then I was just like, that is all I need to know right now. And I needed to just remind myself that I'm loved still. 

Sophie Bearman [00:22:42] So in 2022, you said that you were no longer a participating member of the LDS church and you have a song for that time. You chose "If It's Not God." 

David Archuleta [00:22:51] Yes, Maddie Zahm, who I've become good friends with now because I fell in love with the song, she grew up religious as well. She's also queer. And she said, "when they were wrong, I could never keep quiet. I stood for the truth and had faith that I'd find it, set myself on fire, and then let them call me the liar." And then like, oh, the whole song is just so good. 

Music [00:23:15] [If It's Not God by Maddie Zahm plays]

David Archuleta [00:23:43] She said, "I heard a voice inside my head. They disagreed. So if that wasn't God, then thank God it was me." To see someone speaking so explicitly about the conflict between religion and your faith and your sexuality, it was just another song, in 2023 especially, that I listened on repeat on my drives. I just—over and over and let myself cry in the car. And when I was still in the religion, I made a video, I think February of 2022, where I was talking about how difficult it was to try and be queer and faithful. I was just honest, I was hurting. It was like an hour long almost. And my mom, in that moment, she said she realized how much pain it was to try and still be religious. And when she found out that I left the church and she texted me and she says, 'I've decided to step away from the church.' She and my stepdad both were stepping away. And I said, 'mom, what? Like, you do not have to do that, mom. I know how much your faith means to you.' And she said, 'I don't wanna be somewhere where my children do not feel loved and welcomed. If you're going to hell, we're all going to hell with you.' She said, 'we are family no matter what, through the good and the bad.' And I was like, I wanna, I'm gonna write a song about this. For me, it was like an anthem to everybody who had been through the same thing. And a lot of people who have not had their parents support them. I've had friends who haven't spoken to their parents since coming out. It still happens and some of them are younger than I am. And their parents felt like the right thing to do was to not talk to them, to kind of teach them a lesson. 

Sophie Bearman [00:25:49] And the song you wrote is Hell Together. Would you sing a little bit from it? 

David Archuleta [00:25:53] Sure. Yeah. 

David Archuleta [00:25:57] You said if I have to live without you, I don't want to live forever in someone else's heaven. So let them close their gate. Or if they don't like the way you made them, they're not any better. 

Music [00:26:14] [Hell Together by David Archuleta plays]

David Archuleta [00:26:23] And then in the music video, I made it like a tribute to her. Like I found old videos. I had a dancer kind of representing my mom's love and also kind of like as an angel in a way, like that voice within guiding. So the video came out like a year ago and it's still every time I watch it, I always cry because I'm just grateful that I have my mom's support and I know that wasn't an easy decision for her. So... I just to show her, like, just the way she supported me, like I'm supporting her too. Because she had to figure out her new identity, because it was in her faith. And she's doing great now, she's thriving and I'm just so happy to see her continuing on and shining and blossoming. 

Sophie Bearman [00:27:13] Your last song is Freedom! by George Michael, which you recently covered. What does it represent for you? 

David Archuleta [00:27:20] Hell Together was like the closing the door from my past, looking back on my life and getting ready to move on. And Freedom is like those first steps into this new chapter for me, like David Archuleta 2.0, 2025, because it's like I'm done hiding, I'm trying to impress, like be patted on the head as a good little boy. I know where I'm going is the right place for me. And I feel good. And I want to be confident. Instead of being shy and feeling bad about moving forward, I want to just own it and be bold, be in touch with my sexy side and with my queerness and with David. Just getting to know David genuinely without any reservations and having that freedom to do so. 

Music [00:28:33] [Freedom! by George Michael plays]

David Archuleta [00:28:33] It just gets better and better the more I listen to that song. "Take back your picture in the frame." Like he's just kind of like you take your old—whatever you thought of me and like you're disappointed that I'm changing from your image—go ahead take it, save it in a picture, I'm moving it forward with my life. I just love that.

Sophie Bearman [00:28:52] It's the perfect anthem for where you are now and what you're working on and what's to come. David, thank you so much for sharing your seven songs with us. 

David Archuleta [00:29:02] Sure, thank you. 

Sophie Bearman [00:29:28] Life in Seven Songs is a production from The San Francisco Standard. If you enjoyed this episode, you might love our interview with D'Wayne Wiggins, lead singer and guitarist for the soul and R&B group Tony! Toni! Toné!, who sadly passed away on March 7th this year, but who, like David, sang along to each of his seven songs. This episode was produced by me, Sophie Bearman, and by our senior producer, Jasmyn Morris. Our executive producers are Griffin Gaffney and Jon Steinberg. This episode was mixed by Michelle Lanz. Our theme music is by Kate Davis and Zubin Hensler, and Clark Miller created our show art. Our music consultant is Sarah Tembeckjian. You can find this guest's full playlist at sf.news/spotify. Thanks for listening and see you next time.